All posts tagged: humour

Yarn

Things I know because I’m old at heart…

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…I’m…a millennial… But I’m an elder millennial, so it’s…different. I just feel some things were better in bygone days, and occasionally wish my adult years had taken place in the before times. Even my hobbies aren’t ‘young’…reminiscing of the days of old…being in bed at a decent hour…shaking my head in dismay at the antics of the young’uns…and most important of all…being in bed at a decent hour.  Not saying I don’t like modern conveniences. Not saying I don’t like hanging out with friends…at sometimes questionable bars/clubs until stupid o’clock in the morning, and there’s no denying the benefits of interconnectivity. However, sometimes I feel like this: Friends…you can take me to the club if you must: That club must serve hot beverages and have armchairs. And we’re leaving by 8:30pm so I can get home by 9:00pm…and be in bed at a decent hour. What’s with this, ‘go hard or go home,’ ‘don’t stop the party, and ‘Mr DJ can you turn the music up?’ nonsense, hmmm? First of all… (Oh lookit, a list …

The 5 things I like about exericising…

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I’d like to preface this by saying I’m increasingly convinced that this whole enjoying exercise thing is a myth perpetuated by Big Gymnasium in order to keep us buying gym memberships. And when you actually stop to think about it…who is really benefiting from that membership you paid for but don’t use? Who?! Bet you’ve never thought about it that way before have you? I have written before about my passionate hatred of exercise (here, and also here amongst other places), and it still is very much an extremely passionate, all-consuming hatred. I have never looked forward to, nor have I ever enjoyed any kind of exercise session, and I’m at that age now where I believe that isn’t ever going to happen for me. I exercise because I know intellectually that it is probably (OK fine, completely) the right thing to do to in order to stay healthy…and admittedly (and this is a very…very…resentful admission), when I don’t work out at all, I feel like crap. It’s a conspiracy I tell you. I hate …

Teabags

And then the milk went in first. A mini-ish rant…

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If you know me, you may know I have a fondness for over exaggerating on occasion. I may make a mountain type of situation out of a molehill type of situation, and this…well, this situation probably isn’t going to be any damn different, sorry (but not really sorry). Now I know it’s just tea, but tea is a serious business M’kay? Here’s the deal. I am having a bit of a…….an active disagreement…with a friend because I – and I cannot stress this enough – I…innocuously…and…completely…non-judgementally…described a cup of tea she made for me as being…improperly brewed. …Because it was. (And all this time I thought tea was supposed to be a beverage to bring people together?) Whether you pour the milk in first or, whether you do it the right way (…no judgement…?), it turns out this is a thing people harbour very strong opinions about. Until recently, I didn’t know I was one of these people, and at this stage, I’m wondering how I could have been so unaware. So blissfully oblivious. I …

Resolutions

Resolutions I’d like some people to make…

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A little late, but welcome to 2020! I hope your journey here was exactly how you imagined it would be! If you’re anything like me, you fell into a snack and champagne induced coma at 20:00hrs and had a what-the-damn-feck-where-the-heck-am-I moment at midnight when the fireworks started going off. Also, I have to say starting 2020 in a pool of drool (at least it was mine this time) with crumbs in my hair is not the way I imagined seeing in the New Year…but it is what it is. *Shrugs*. Anyway, did anybody make any resolutions this year? Is this still a thing people are doing? I only know one person who made a resolution (to lose a few lbs) …starting for sure tomorrow…predicatbly it’s been tomorrow for almost two weeks now, and I’m not feeling confident about their resolution. Myself? I did not bother. I know I’ll throw myself into it for January, and by February 1st I’ll be acting like I don’t know what the hell a resolution even is – come March, …

What’s your NaNo Magic Number…?

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I wrote every damn day and didn’t. Even. Procrastinate. Once… …Okay, fine. I’m lying, and I know you know. And that is why I like you, you’re willing to entertain me and engage my lie. Oh, you’re not? Okay. That’s Cool… *Cries shamefully and hysterically* Here’s what happened. The first week I didn’t write anything. I wrote a title down…and that was three words long, and then there was nothing until about day 9. When I edited the title for an hour before deciding it was fine the way it was. Then around day 12 I started writing and wrote obsessively (that’s my pattern. Do nothing at first and then go H-A-M). I didn’t obsess over my word count or anything! The problem was…and I know it kind of contradicts one of the reasons I gave for why people should take part in NaNoWriMo earlier this month… I couldn’t resist revising, and editing, and questioning everything I typed as soon as I typed it…and it’s a problem I know…and I am working on it and…and…and…fine, …

I don’t know much about Disney…

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So…I’m not quite sure how to say this. But it is something I’ve been holding in for a long time, and I just can’t keep it in any longer. I’m tired of pretending and trying to be someone I am not. I need to speak my truth. (deep breath and a pause for dramatic effect). …I’m in my third decade of life…and… I’ve only seen 4 things by Disney. There. I said it. And you know what? It feels fantastic! I feel pretty…damn…good. Also, I know I said I’ve seen 4 Disney things, but some b*tches I know are trying to take two away and claim I’ve only ‘really’ seen two ‘proper’ things by Disney. It’s just petty nitpicking. Boo. When it comes to Disney discussions, I’ve basically gotten through the past few years by smiling and nodding knowingly – it’s incredible how far that gets you just…in life. But recently, I’ve been personally responsible for friends losing a ‘basic-ass’ quiz and there’s been threats to ‘literally cut’ me…and not just from the team. I think…I …

Things I never did at Halloween…

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I was never actually allowed to take part in anything Halloween related. In my house it was called The Devils Birthday. And obviously, if you celebrated The Devils Birthday it would clearly lead to a proclivity for witchcraft…or a romantic encounter with a (iridescent?) vampire…or demonic possession or something worse which would lead to my soul being eternally condemned to hell.  So…there was that. There are a lot of Halloween experiences I missed out on. I tried to rectify some of this as an adult with varying levels of success, but the problem is all these years later…even though I’m grown-ass now…I’m genuinely afraid of demonic possession at this time of year. And the only demon I wish to be affiliated with is the one on my shoulder which encourages me to go grocery shopping on an empty stomach. I should buy shares in my local supermarket. Anyway. I’ve also never: Trick or treated: Once, and only once, I managed to negotiate with my family and the trick-or-treating happened (and by negotiate, I mean I lied …

When it comes to fashion and beauty, I’m so damn lazy…

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My wardrobe is…varied…um, expansive…and…expressive. My wardrobe is a constant. The foundation upon which my very sense of self is built. An outlet I use to express my individuality……personal style……and also……lies. Those statements were lies. My wardrobe is not even one of those things…and my makeup box is even less. It currently consists of a tube of foundation I’ve had for I’d-prefer-not-to-tell-you-how-many-years, and an…well…I started out like there was going to be more than one item. Anyway, I promise you it is nowhere near as bad as certain friends would have you believe. Look, I’m not going to win any style or beauty awards any time soon that’s for damn sure, but if you want to know about comfort…I’m your damn girl. If you were to listen to certain friends and family members you’d think all I ever wore in life, or to any event ever was skinny jeans, canvas pumps and a roll-neck jumper. When in actual fact, here’s what I currently have in my wardrobe: 4 pairs of jeans (skinny, grey) 4 pairs of …

My realistic morning routine…

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So, you saw the title and clicked expecting to be treated to mantras, morning-yoga and masterfully crafted Instagram-worthy smoothie bowls all the colours of the rainbow… …oops. Sorry. That’s erm…that’s not going to happen. While, I can’t speak for you, I can say with the utmost confidence that my life just doesn’t flow that way. Not-a-one-bit. Especially first thing in the morning. It’s all too damn perfect, and honestly I refuse to believe that anybody actually experiences that type of perfection when they wake. Definitely not anybody I know, and definitely…not…me. When I wake up, I have sleep in my eyes, I’m covered in drool and there are days when I barely remember who I am, where I am, or why I set an alarm in the first place. And I can’t be the only one who has mornings like that, right? I’m not hating on anybody, I’m not trying to make anybody feel bad (I will admit, I might be exhibiting a classic case of smoothie-bowl envy), I just like reading about realistic routines…makes me …

You know you love food when…

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I don’t know about you, but I’m that person who wakes up today and wonders what’s for dinner tomorrow. An unnecessary amount of my day is spent thinking about food. I love food. I love eating food, I love talking about food, I love (and it’s not weird), watching people while they eat their food (…it’s……research, not…weird, Jessica. Research). In fact, now that I think about it, the majority (and by majority, I mean all) of the significant relationships and friendships I have ever had were founded on food because, all the best relationships just are. And I feel like I don’t get to talk about food and eating as much as I would like, and it’s just not fair when I stop to think about it…which is more often then I’m willing to admit publicly. The thing is, a love of food causes problems. You start to assume other people feel the same way you do, and it’s a nasty shock to the system when you realise this isn’t true. I once worked with …