So, you saw the title and clicked expecting to be treated to mantras, morning-yoga and masterfully crafted Instagram-worthy smoothie bowls all the colours of the rainbow…
…oops.
Sorry.
That’s erm…that’s not going to happen. While, I can’t speak for you, I can say with the utmost confidence that my life just doesn’t flow that way.
Not-a-one-bit.
Especially first thing in the morning.
It’s all too damn perfect, and honestly I refuse to believe that anybody actually experiences that type of perfection when they wake. Definitely not anybody I know, and definitely…not…me. When I wake up, I have sleep in my eyes, I’m covered in drool and there are days when I barely remember who I am, where I am, or why I set an alarm in the first place. And I can’t be the only one who has mornings like that, right? I’m not hating on anybody, I’m not trying to make anybody feel bad (I will admit, I might be exhibiting a classic case of smoothie-bowl envy), I just like reading about realistic routines…makes me feel less pissed about not having my sh*t together…
…Anyway, I present to you, my…realistic 7-step morning routine:

Step 1 – morning pissiness: Personally, I like to start each morning with a healthy dose of pissiness. A little because my blood-caffeine levels have dropped below the Required Daily Amount, a little for the pure joy of pissiness, but more so because my day usually begins at 5:00am, and even though I consider myself a Morning Person, 5:00am is still 5. FREAKING. AM and pissiness upon hearing your alarm is the only acceptable reaction.

Step 2 – ruing the day: Following the morning pissiness routine, I lay in bed for a minimum of 10 minutes ruing the day. I find that any day started with insufficient ruing will result in unnecessary amounts of anger and aggression being…shared (with people and/or inanimate objects) at random points throughout the day. A controlled ruing reduces or eliminates this risk entirely. Now this is the important bit…any less than 10 minutes and you’re not ruing properly, but more than 10 minute sets you up for an entirely pissy day. You just need to remember that old saying: a day commenced with improper ruing is a day that’s properly ruined*. To be certain that I’m hitting my 10-minute quota, I like to hit the snooze button.

*(NB……there is a slight chance that saying isn’t real…but I bet, you can’t prove it…)

Step 3 – setting intentions and affirmations: In the interest of positivity, this is usually something along the lines of: I will not bitch-slap idiots who test my patience today. Or I rebuke dumbassery in its entirety. Or, I am strong enough to suppress the burning rage I feel during forced interactions with members of the public. But I encourage you to set your own intentions and use affirmations geared towards your personal needs.

Step 4 – getting up to exercise: Um…ok…sorry…I lied. And I lied again, I’m not even sorry. It’s more like…getting up and thinking intensely about…potentially starting to think about starting a morning workout routine at a yet to be confirmed date sometime possibly in the future (definitely part of my five-year plan). For a bonus mental exercise (because if you think intensely about exercising your physical self, your mental self should also be exercised), I like to pretend that I will actually give this serious thought after I’m sufficiently re-caffeinated at breakfast. And anyway, it’s like that other famous saying: if you simply think about something hard enough, you practically did the damn thing.  

Step 5 – washing and face-painting: When you sleep H-A-M, you gotta wash that sleep out of your eyes. Doesn’t matter who you are, or what you say, nobody…is going…to believe…its glitter. For some reason, babies and toddlers are the only humans who can get away with drool covered faces and a generalised stink. So, teeth-brushing and face and body washing is a must if you don’t want to be the person on public transport with the questionable odour. Following this, I lament my lack of cheekbones, sculpted face and etcetera, and I proceed to paint my face, only realising once I’m a work that my eyebrows are most definitely not even.

Step 6 – breakfasting: Following steps 1 through 5, I stare forlornly at the overnight oats I optimistically left in the fridge the night before. Occasionally I pick up the oats…then I remember I’m addicted to caffeine and made the oats at a time where I was caffeinated enough to maintain an air of denial about my addiction…and I immediately set the oats back down and turn on the coffee maker. Then I turn off the coffee maker and just go to Starbucks.

Step 7 – Any Other Business: Usually by now I’m out the house and actively living through my earlier morning’s affirmations. I’ve not b*tch-slapped any of the people who tried to push past me in the coffee queue…I’ve suppressed the burning rage I felt when some fool sat next to me on an empty bus…with empty seats everywhere. At this point I like to scroll through Instagram and Pinterest till I almost miss my stop and spill the coffee all over myself and the idiot who sat next to me as I make a panic-dash through the closing bus doors…

…and then I turn up to work nonchalantly and fool everyone I work with into thinking I actually have my sh*t together.

Morning routine complete.