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I don’t know much about Disney…

So…I’m not quite sure how to say this. But it is something I’ve been holding in for a long time, and I just can’t keep it in any longer. I’m tired of pretending and trying to be someone I am not. I need to speak my truth.
(deep breath and a pause for dramatic effect).
…I’m in my third decade of life…and…
I’ve only seen 4 things by Disney.
There. I said it.
And you know what? It feels fantastic! I feel pretty…damn…good. Also, I know I said I’ve seen 4 Disney things, but some b*tches I know are trying to take two away and claim I’ve only ‘really’ seen two ‘proper’ things by Disney. It’s just petty nitpicking. Boo.

When it comes to Disney discussions, I’ve basically gotten through the past few years by smiling and nodding knowingly – it’s incredible how far that gets you just…in life. But recently, I’ve been personally responsible for friends losing a ‘basic-ass’ quiz and there’s been threats to ‘literally cut’ me…and not just from the team. I think…I mean not literally I’m sure. I’m pretty sure
…I’m like 70-80% sure, they’re just empty, pissy threats…anyway. So far, I’ve seen:

  • Frozen: Because my understanding is if you are aware of the existence of any child within a 10-mile radius, you are legally obligated to watch Frozen on loop for at least one six-week stretch of your life.
  • Pocahontas: When I was in school…as part of an English Language assignment…we had to compare and contrast Disney’s Pocahontas…with The Last of the Mohicans it traumatised me (sidebar: Is this normal English language education? Or was my English teacher um…on…something? I was expecting Shakespeare, but Pocahontas…*shrugs*). That’s thing two.
  • (controversy the first): Pirates of the Caribbean. Totally made by Disney. So why doesn’t this count please? I just don’t understand how it’s not ‘proper’ Disney, is there some kind of standard that I’m not aware of? Is it that serious?
  • (controversy the second): The Lion King…….live on stage…but is this not a Disney thing? I’ve been told it doesn’t count until I’ve watched the animated version so someone’s going to need to explain to me how this one doesn’t count either. Far as I am concerned it counts. And that makes four things…FOUR. Thank you.

Now, I know some people consider Disney movies to be a basic part of childhood, and (for the most part), I wasn’t some kind of non-conformist, rebellious kid who refused to watch certain things to prove some kind of point. It’s just that growing up, we didn’t have a TV for a long time. Because watching TV could ‘confuse my growing brain’, and naturally I’d end up selling my goodies on the street corner in a bid to emulate the people I saw on the box (the adults in my life genuinely believed this). And when we finally got a TV, I wasn’t allowed to watch cartoons that much because they were non-sense things which would distract me from my studies. The theory being no TV would mean straight A grades, but all that happened was I lost myself in epic fantasy novels, and harboured unrealistic dreams of becoming the next Tolkien. PS, I was allowed to watch as much CNN, Discovery Channel and National Geographic as I wanted…you know, the stuff that every child’s dreams are made of…so…yeah.

But then people ask why I didn’t care to play catch-up as an adult. Simple answer. I just wasn’t that fussed until this stupid quiz situation…and in my defence, if the movie isn’t an accurate depiction of the book then it’s not my fault I didn’t know the fish-girl’s  stupid singing crab-friend was called Sebastian (which by the way is not even a proper name for a crab). And by the time I became an adult I may have developed a potentially-life-long addiction to NatGeo and the Discovery Channel which took up many, many…many years of my childhood. Answer me this…why would you watch cartoon Simba, when you can watch real Simba, hmmm?

And then everyone’s obsessed with initiating me into the Disney Movie fold, and rolling their eyes when I don’t know something I apparently should….even the young people. The look on my cousin’s son’s face when I said I thought How to Train Your Dragon was a Disney movie was one of pure betrayal (we’re slowly working through our issues. The Ice-Cream Bribery fee is killing me). It’s getting ridiculous. I’ve been given a list of movies I ‘have’ to watch…and they have to be the original animated non-Tim Burton versions (I mean, isn’t it the same story?! Isn’t the book going to end up being far superior anyway?!) otherwise it still won’t count, and I’ve also been told I have to go into it knowing that watching as an adult won’t be the same as I won’t appreciate the subtle nuances in the movies…which doesn’t make me want to watch the movies much.

Maybe I should just binge watch them all to get it over with?
Maybe I just need to associate with different people.





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