It is a scientifically established fact that there is a direct correlation between the length of time a person is single and the intensity of hell they are given about their single status by people they know and/or have just met, who assume that that person’s (lack of) love life is naturally their business.
Some people actively refuse to accept or acknowledge the rights and freedoms of the Single Person (SP) to choose or refuse pair-bonding, and passionately believe that all people should be pair-bonded pretty much while their still in utero. Opponents of the Single Status (OSS) will vehemently reject all of SP’s protestations of happiness and proceed with pitiful match-making attempts (with an increasing number of broken people, or anyone the SP has had any type of interaction with – postman/barista/drunk person who threw up on them on the bus), and not see how they’re behaviour is frustrating.
This is because it is believed that Single People either:
- Secretly desperately want to be in a relationship, or
- Passionately wish to protect their single status at all costs – even if it means staying single to spite people, or
- Both a and b, when truthfully a lot of single people
- Have relatively few fecks to give regarding the matter (save for one or two noticeable occasions – as in any official gathering of two or more related people/friends – weddings, barbecues or etcetera where the single person’s gravitational pull will increase exponentially causing all loved ones at said gathering to gravitate towards them, equipped with curious gazes, inappropriate questions, comments and/or suggestions, and nowhere near enough wine to quell the murderous rage building within the very depths of SP’s soul).
At this point, the entire gathering descends into an irritating Q&A session usually involving variations of the following questions:
Q: Are you just trying to find yourself before you commit?
A: (Bitch please! I know exactly who I am so…no).
Q: But what about marriage and babies?
A: (What about marriage and babies?)
Q: Well, why aren’t you putting yourself out there more?
A: (Whore myself out, you mean?)
Q: Enjoy it, you know when you’re in a relationship/married you’ll wish you were single?
A: (So you spend your days wishing you were single? I’m good thanks).
Q: Should I set you up with someone?
A: (The friend of a friend who just got out of prison / a bad marriage / rehab? No, thank you).
At this point most Single People will mentally explore their options: of which there are several. But the three most likely to be deployed are:
- Bite their tongue as much as possible and maintain a polite smile while cornered by (OSS): SP will remind themselves they are fecking awesome, enjoying life, and not willing to settle just because other people feel they should. SP will remind themselves that the OSS are attempting to make polite conversation, and in their own intrusive way showing they care. SP will also remind themselves that in a few hours they will be back in the safety of their home away from the OSS, or failing that appropriately inebriated (or both) and not in the least bit bothered/aware of the interrogating.
- Politely tell the OSS to mind their damn business: Self Explanatory. Best used in the early stages of singledom.
- Remove the word ‘politely’ from point 2: Go H.A.M on the gathered OSS, inviting them to kiss their…OSS…
…Thus ensuring all future gatherings will take place with minimum eye contact and maximum peace… or as is more likely their ever increasing conviction that despite your protestations, outward projections of happiness, flourishing career or what have you, you’re secretly dying inside, and it is their duty to save you. Sigh.