Nothing to fear but fear itself – except some people actually have a fear of fear so that sucks. It’s spiders for most people right? But arachnids don’t bother me – there’s one been living in my bathroom so long I’m considering charging it rent – although I admit, I’d probably be a bit freaked out if I met one of its tarantula cousins in its natural habitat. Heights, small spaces, open water, snakes – it’s understandable that some people can develop these types of phobias. But how do you develop a phobia of.
See,
The thing is…
…I just….snails.
Snails. Not so much slugs. Mostly snails.

There I typed it. I believe they should only exist in the world of Oh. Hell. No. And, if just reading the word ‘snail’ doesn’t instantly trigger a shiver within you which resonates through the very depths of your soul, you’re freaky. Probably shouldn’t insult you dear reader, but it can’t be un-typed now.

I understand, it’s not the strangest of phobias, but it’s also not the most socially acceptable, yet. Yet. In time, people will see that snails are the spawn of Satan, and given half a chance those slimy mollusc-y ones will lead an uprising against the humans. They have an agenda, they’re just biding their time, when are you people going to realise this?!

Now, this is usually a topic that is extremely easy for me to avoid, but a couple of weeks ago, I read that phobias:

• Develop through negative experiences, learned responses, incidents or trauma
• Possibly have an evolutionary function

And it’s been playing in my mind since then…what the hell could possibly have happened to me to trigger such a phobia? Since I seem to be the only one of my family and friends affected, where the hell could I have learnt it from? Negative experiences? Are they then suggesting that when I was younger a snail made me its bitch? Did it jump out of my wardrobe in the night like a shelled bogeyman and leave threatening messages on my walls in slime? What could a snail actually have done to create this blind panic? And even I’m not crazy enough to think it’s an evolutionary fear – although (despite what some of the less enlightened people in my life/scientists say), I think it’s perfectly possible that our ancestors were fighting off sabre-toothed tigers and giant-ass land snails back in their days.  Yeah. I’m going to go with that.

And no, I have no desire to overcome this. Since overcoming = exposure to. Nuts to that. That’s what the snails want.

Compulsory bit – 5 unusual phobias:

• Allodoxaphobia: Fear of opinions
• Phobophobias: Fear of phobias
• Anatidaephobic: Fear of being watched by ducks
• Barophobia: Fear of gravity (how do you avoid this?)
• Phronemophobia: Fear of thinking

I feel really bad for these phobia sufferers. How the hell are you supposed to deal with a fear of gravity? What would be the process for helping someone overcome a fear of thinking?

While you ponder that, I’m gonna go stock up on salt. Because I was wrong. It’s slugs too.