If you’re a bookworm, you know the truth. That reading is basically an adrenaline fuelled, high-octane sport. And as with any extreme sports, it has its high points and some low points. For example, (and before you read this, please read the previous ‘Things that ruin a good book…’ post)…here’s some (more) things I think can ruin a good book.
Being unable to find a comfortable reading position: The book is roughly the same size and shape as a cinderblock, and you refuse to download the eBook, because no matter what people say, it’s just. Not. The. Same. So, you end up hunchbacked on the sofa while your knees go numb from the weight of the book, then you try to read it laying down on your front in your bed, book propped on the pillow, chiropractor on speed dial, then on your back with the book in the air, where it betrays you by promptly falling on your face, knocking your glasses off and poking you in the eye even though you’ve shown it nothing but love and respect…and etcetera…
Reading in the bath: Books should really be made with laminated pages and come with bath-insurance because 1. some of us can’t afford to keep replacing water-damaged books, and 2. staff at Waterstones have the sheer audacity to…you know, question your truth-telling abilities when you tell them you didn’t notice it was like that when you bought it, and can they please replace it with another one since this was clearly a manufacturing error…
When you pick up a book not realising it’s part of a series: Until you’re in way too deep. You’ve become emotionally invested in the characters and their storylines, and now you have to wait three whole years before you can get closure. And even worse than that……
…You realise that book 2 of 3 is the last the publisher will ever publish: So, now, not only did you not know it was part of a series, but you got emotionally invested, and you will spend the rest of your life not knowing how it ends, and you get the impression it’d be ‘creepy’ if you turn up uninvited at the authors house and ask them to let you read the unpublished final manuscript on their laptop. Pshaw to that. I mean fine if you’re gonna be so twitchy about it email me a PDF, I don’t care. Just wanting closure here.
Being so upset that you’ve finished a book: To the point that the thought of starting a new book is alien to you. How can you be expected to just open yourself up to a whole new set of characters when you’re still processing. Doctor’s really should be able to write sick notes for this. Instead you’re expected to carry on adulting like nothing ever happened.
When a book doesn’t live up to it’s hype: And you read it and you feel like…like…if I take this back to the store, can I get a refund on the minutes of my life I wasted on this piece of piss? Keep the money, just refund my life. Or let me start a bonfire with all the unsold copies of the book so others don’t suffer. Really. It’d be a public service.
Overly detailed descriptions: I love it when an author has taken time to create a really detailed world or complex characters, but I also love it when I don’t know the exact number of freckles, or strands of hair the protagonist has, or that the exact colour of the leaves on the trees is chartreuse (is that even a thing? I um…I don’t actually know).
When one character is written so poorly: Especially when the rest of them are damn near perfect. You’re sucked into this story, then that one character appears, and you’re spat back out into reality so suddenly…so cruelly.
Recommending a book (or 10) to a friend: Then watching in disbelief as they walk past your suggestion and pick up something…else. Something you already know is terrible. Something…with the terrible movie poster as a front cover. I mean c’mon!
When you’re trying to decide what to read next: And failing miserably. Even though your bedside table is basically a giant pile of unread books (true story), and you have an entire bookshelf (or two) of even more unread books…you still have nothing to read. Guess you’ll just have to go book shopping?
And, while you’re out shopping, if you could find out who I need to petition to make speed-reading an Olympic sport…because I asked around and apparently, I’m ‘crazy’ for using reading and sports in the same sentence, and now I need to prove some people wrong….thanks in advance!